Today is…negative self talk day

I try to be positive but we all know we fight the demons in our heads. Mine have been filling me with thoughts of failure and hopelessness these days.

I decided to write down some of the negative self thoughts, hoping that if I saw them written down, I’d realize how ridiculous they all were. So here goes. This is what is secretly going through my head. (And yes I know the sleeve doesn’t “stop working”).

My Negative Self-Thoughts
“I will never lose any more weight. I will be stuck here forever. What’s more, it’s my 6 month mark and we all know the sleeve stops working at 6 months and by golly it has! I will be fat forever because I am a loser. I will forever be changing my calories up and down, and cycling my carbs up and down and none of it will ever work because I’m just a fatty fatty fat fat. And I will stay that way forever.

Everyone else succeeds but I will fail. Just as I have in the past. I don’t know why it’s stopped working but I’m stuck at the same weight for 10 days at a time and then I only lose .5 a pound. Maybe. At this rate, it will take me a year to lose the remaining 20 lbs and I will just KILL something by then. I don’t know what to do and I feel helpless and crazy and I know I’m crazy and I’m driving everyone else around me crazy and I still can’t stop. And that’s how I know I’m both failing AND crazy!

I will never be a healthy size 8. I will stay stuck at this weight and people will tell me I must be happy because I’m so much better off than before but I won’t be happy. Because I will have failed failed failed.

I will be the one whose body has decided to stop at some unhealthy fat weight. And then I will be so frustrated that I will eat too much and put back on even what I lost and so what’s the point of it all?? I used to only be fat. Now I’m fat and crazy. And failing.

No one else is failing. Only me. Everyone else is dropping pounds like flies. But not me. And I can’t even lose at 700-900 calories so if I eat more then I will get fatter. So for the rest of my life, I will be eating tiny quantities and still not losing weight. ”

The End. For now.

Phew. I feel a bit better. I know it’s not rational. But who said this process would be rational? There’s nothing rational about eating so little and still not losing because your body..(insert something something I don’t always understand here).

It’s not rational, it’s an emotional journey. And sometimes it’s scary and I guess that’s okay.

When it comes to weight loss, trends matter

I woke up a little anxious today. I’ve been obsessing about this whole weight loss thing. I’m counting calories, protein, carbs obsessively. I’m so hungry that I’m hangry (hungry + angry). I’m worrying about whether I’m eating too many calories even though I’ve stayed under 800 calories. Every half pound up or down on the scale is driving me crazy and I’m taking it personally.

So I decided to do what I do best, which is to look for trends in numbers and to use numbers to tell a story. There are three pictures below.

The most depressing is to look at my weight over 7 days. Oh, see the stalls! Oh woe is me! Clearly I’m failing! oh no! I cut 85% of my stomach out and I’m failing!

 

I take a deep breath and look at my 30-day trends. Hmm, maybe it’s okay? I still see those flat lines that look like stalls. I dunno. But hey at least I see some drops.  It’s looking a bit better.

 

But I wonder what it looks like at 90 days? After all, I’m in this for the long haul and so perhaps I should have a longer-term perspective. So let’s look at a 90-day trend.

 

Whoa! What do you know! All I see are steady declines. I don’t see the stalls that much anymore. Rather what I see is a line that consistently goes down. Perhaps I’m doing okay after all.  I now see a trendline that is reassuring, that is different from what I’ve achieved before, and that I believe will continue for a while.

Now to keep this perspective throughout the week ahead and not get frustrated.

What does your trend line look like?

Thank God for friends who know you and love you

 

It’s been a rough week. Several 18+ hour workdays back to back, three cities in 4 days, trying to keep up with walking…and worst of all, a bad flare-up. Pain in my joints, fingers, wrists, ankles, and I think I’m likely hormoning. Really struggling over the past week.

All this is compounded by the fact that I’m stalled. I’ve lost 1 lb. in the last 10 days and I’m not losing inches as far as I can tell. It may be normal, but I think it’s also normal to be frustrated.

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and told her that of the last 60 days since my surgery, I’ve been stalled for 22 days. And she said, “The fact that you know that is just wrong. You’re focusing too much on it. How much have you lost since the surgery?”

In a begrudging voice I said, “About 34 lbs”.

And she said “I don’t understand you. You see good in other people even when it’s not really there. But you can’t see it in yourself Why is that?”

Oh, why indeed? She’s very right. I’ve often told myself that I should give myself the same advice I give other people. I’m much nicer to other people than I am to myself.

It’s never a simple thing to unravel, but I’m afraid of failing at this surgery. I’m afraid that I could do everything right, and still fail to reach my fairly modest goal. I wonder if I will still be thinking like this 3 years from now? If even then, I’ll be worried that I will fail?

I understand that a certain amount of fear is healthy and keeps us focused, but at what point does fear turn dysfunctional? At what point do I start believing I will succeed, rather than worrying I will fail?

 

Photo courtesy of Stuart Miles/freedigitalphotos.net

Today I am….Depressed

 

Bad news. I’ve been depressed, lethargic and feeling blah, meh, blue, and blobby for the last three days. Good news: There is absolutely NOTHING wrong IRL, so I know this is just recovery/hormones.

I don’t know what the heck is wrong with my body but really, everything is going well surgery-wise. No problem with intake, protein, fluids, etc. Blood tests came back looking great.

I’m just down.

I knew this would happen, but I didn’t think it would last thing long. This whole week, I’ve struggled to do much of anything. I lack vim and vinegar and zip and zing. Over the last 3 days, it’s been more pronounced. I’m sort of slug-like right now, and I’d like the old me back please. I suspect so would my employees who aren’t used to me being quite so out of it. They all know I had surgery, only one of them knows what kind.

R of course is bouncing all over the place like nothing happened, but I notice that he gets angry easily and is very sensitive these days–which is his version of depression. So we’re both having to be a bit gentle with each other and cut the other some slack. He’s been great about giving me room to be depressed instead of trying to talk me out of it. I’m trying to do the same for him.

I lost a pitch yesterday. I HATE HATE HATE losing. I could not have made any profit at the price they finally paid another company, so it was okay to lose it.

But what surprised me was that my body reacted immediately and badly to it. As soon as I read the email, I broke out in a cold sweat and almost passed out. No exaggeration.

I think my new tummy handles emotion/adrenaline differently. I noticed this when we tried to watch a movie right after the surgery and the rather tame thriller upset my stomach and my nervous system so badly I had to stop watching it. I think with a smaller tummy, the same rush of adrenaline doesn’t feel as it used to. It’s a horrible, uncomfortable, tense feeling and you want it to go away. Don’t know if all adrenaline junkies have to deal with this or not, but I now know that *I* have to deal with this.

I want to kick myself in the pants and “snap out of it”. I’m keeping it from getting worse, but I haven’t snapped out of it yet.

Welcome to recovery, emo-style