Yesterday I went through my closets and boxes to start to get rid of some of my clothes. You know, the ones I’ve been saving but hoping I never need (the too big sizes) as well as the ones I’ve been saving hoping I need (the ones I “outgrew” as I put on weight).
So we start this, and we get going, and going, and going. I empty out two huge plastic bins, I empty out half my closet. Large black bags sit ominously in the hallway, waiting their turn to be taken out of the house. I put back into my closet at least as much as I took out of it, by replacing the larger sizes with the smaller sizes.
And I start to panic.
It’s not just that my old friends are about to leave the building. It’s not just that I paid a lot of money for those clothes. It’s not even that I have great memories in that pink dress, or that looking at the black skirt reminds me of the time I tore it at the office and we all burst out laughing like it was the funniest thing to ever happen right before a client meeting.
It’s that I cannot believe that I won’t ever need them again.
In fact, I don’t believe that at all. I am quite sure I’m giving away these clothes but that I could well be one of those who fails with this surgery and gains it ALL back and it’s scaring me. The reality is that statistically, I am likely to gain some of the weight back unless I watch myself like a hawk. But the chances that I will gain all of it back are actually somewhat low, because I was fortunate enough to not have a serious, clinical-grade eating disorder before I started.
But I’ve failed so many times despite my best efforts, that I don’t think it’s sunk in that I might well go the rest of my life and not need these larger sizes that I now need to wish goodbye.
As I started this journey, I told myself I’d keep clothes 1-2 sizes up from my goal weight, but no more. Well, it’s time to start to put my money where my mouth was.
I’m taking deep breaths, and visualizing the ladies that will benefit from my suits. I hope they help someone get a job. And I hope to heck I never, ever need them again.
I guess I’ll just have to trust that I can get rid of the clothes, but that the memories I created while wearing them have now become a part of my own fabric.
Photo courtesy of Keerati/freedigitalphotos.net
My Last Diet 
So proud of you ~ I’m only in day 2 of my pre-op 2wk diet, and I’m having those same feelings…i’m going through all of this but afraid it’s going to be like every other diet and the weight is just going to come back ~ of course, this time we have a tool we didn’t have before. TOSS THOSE CLOTHES! 🙂
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Karen, how is the pre-op going? I know I freaked out when I barely lost during pre-op, so don’t do that to yourself. There’s some amount of faith involved here, where we just have to believe that this will work. I told myself I was going to be that medical marvel that failed with this sleeve. The first to ever follow doctor’s orders and still fail. I thought a whole team of doctors would descend on me to study me. I consoled myself that in that case, even if I stayed fat, at least I could get rich by charing those doctors to study me 😀
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Great work! It’s funny how clothing is such an emotional thing. I’m still hanging on. It has so much to do with our identity, perception and attitude.
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You are so correct. What we wear does portray how we see ourselves, our sense of style. I guess we’re lucky because we get to redefine our new selves, right?
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Good for you! I found it very therapeutic to set a goal and when I met it I bought new clothes. It had to be a goal worth the prize. Usually when my clothes got WAY too baggy to wear… like two sizes too big. Then I got a new wardrobe or would tailor the old stuff to fit me. So worth it.
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